Shot in the Dark

If we could rewind the clock a full year, take a snapshot of a typical day, and juxtapose it with one from right now, you’d hardly believe that the girl in those pictures was one and the same. With juggling two jobs and activities, an overloaded course schedule, freezing weather, no post-grad job prospects, and a heart newly shattered into about a million pieces, it should come as no surprise that I quickly fell into a place darker and lonelier than I had ever been before. Most days I felt like I had a 50-seater bus ramming itself into my chest; it was physically painful to breathe, let alone get out of bed, put on clothes, and fake any interest in interacting with others and doing work. It may sound like a pity party, but I'm not exaggerating. It was brutal.

But as cliché as it is, time was the greatest of healers. Slowly I began finding joy again… in watching the buds bloom, in embracing newfound time with incredible, steadfast friends, in songs that expressed my feelings for me and reassured me I wasn’t alone, in laughter that felt like heaven after forgetting how to for so long, and in discovering strength I never knew I had.

I look at my life now, which is overflowing with joy, new friends and adventures, and most importantly hope, and I can’t help but be humbled and moved at how far I’ve come in the journey. At how much I’ve learned about myself and the fight that is within me. And at how I’ll never again forget that as dark as it can get, it will always get lighter in time.

After seeing Augustana in concert last week I can’t seem to get one of their songs out of my head. I love it for the story it tells, a story I can relate to after this past year and a story I’m sure many of you can as well. It’s about unexpected changes, loss, and pain, but also forward motion, growth, hope, and triumph. You should probably dedicate the next 4 minutes of your life to listening to it, but I realize I’m a little biased. Side note: At this point, I give you all permission to roll your eyes at me if you find this whole post excessively cheesy :)

Shot in the Dark
I had a vision for the life that was ahead of me
I had a reason, had a ride and had a destiny
I thought I knew where I was heading
I would never look back

I had it all and then I went and let it slip away
I’m working overtime, I’m gonna make it anyway
Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, sometimes you never get her back

Chorus:
Oh, but you know
I’m rising up slowly and getting higher
I’ve been living with a hole in my heart
Weighing down on me, but I’m a fighter
I know that I still got a shot in the dark

Sometimes in life you meet the people that you think you trust
Wake up one day and find that everything had turned to dust…

Chorus

But I’m gonna find a way (x3)
I got a vision for the life that’s right in front of me
I got a ride, I got a reason, got a destiny
I know exactly where I’m headed and I’m never looking back
Well, nothing’s holding me back,

Chorus (x2)
And I know that I still got a shot….

The snapshot that really matters is not from a year ago, but one from right now. And this past weekend was a testament to the brighter, more joyful life that is right now. From laughter, to music, to new crushes, to ridiculous stories, by Sunday evening I was exhausted, bruised (LLL#1: don’t wear boots with no grip on a slippery dancefloor), and phoneless (LLL#2: leaving a waterlogged phone in rice for a day fixes it completely!), and I genuinely couldn’t have been happier.

Graffiti6 & Augustana at the Great American Music Hall with Kels

A "mexican party bus" (a.k.a. a painted old school bus) took us around SF for my friend Annette's birthday before dropping us off at a Passion Pit Concert

Sam Pinnock (Scotty's girlfriend Darlene's sister) invited me to a wine and cheese party at her new pad in the city so I took Muna & Shannon (all of us are ZTA alums); we met a lot of French people and went out in the Marina afterwards

Watching the 49ers play the Giants at Brennans in Berkeley